At first I was mad at God, why did He let this happen to me?! My heart was slowly hardening. Never in a million years did I see this coming! I was sick with a heavy burden on my shoulders and my nerves were bad for a while. I felt like there was a huge dark cloud over my head. Everyday I’d wake up and walk the prison hallway, sometimes I’d be thinking, “I’m really in here with a life sentence and I’ll die in here if I don’t get the proper help or a miracle from God!” Hell naw! The devil is a lie! I’d tell myself because I couldn’t even imagine that. I’m blessed to have my family support and I don’t know what I’d do without them, but that $20,000 went down the drain and money don’t grow on trees! There’s nothing I could do financially to get myself out, so I began to go to the law library every morning looking for something that could get my case overturned. Ignorant of the law and timelines given for filing paperwork, being it’s my first time in trouble and at that, the state says, “There’s no excuse,” I was denied on everything I tried which started to discourage me as time passed. I was told nothing that was argued even matters anymore once denied and that I needed newly discovered evidence.
No matter how hard I tried not to think about it, I couldn’t stop, so I started smoking for my nerves as a way to escape and numb the pain I was feeling inside. Showing emotions in this place for me was a no-no, thinking it would lead to all kinds of problems I didn’t need on my end. Hard and nonchalant was the way I thought we were supposed to be, but inside I felt betrayed, disturbed, lonely, mad and sad trying to find my way back home. I was lost, out of place and fighting a bogus case! Here I was on a wing with 5,555 years, knowing I didn’t deserve life in prison, but had to make the best out of the time! I’m a neutron, but did get along with other inmates, gang members and leaders. Because of my mentality and hustle from the streets, I fit right in, so I was in the middle of the madness dealing with it! Do the time, don’t let the time do you, was the saying, but who wants to do time or a life sentence, especially for something that you didn’t do! It’s just not sitting well with me, but if it was the truth, I couldn’t argue and have no choice but to accept my fate doing the rest of my life in prison, but that’s not the case, so I just can’t give-up!
While incarcerated, my grandmother passed away and that hurt me deeply because she told me that my lifestyle was only going to lead me to prison or an early grave. I heard her, but didn’t listen thinking, I”m just the weedman and whoever heard of a weedman getting life in prison? I wasn’t thinking about the attention from the vultures out there plotting that could’ve took my life in a home invasion because I wasn’t trying to give up nothing! Luckily they took what they could find and left after guns were pointed at my head by two individuals with no gloves and no masks that I never saw before in my life. Lord rest my grandmother’s soul because she saw me getting caught up in the madness and confusion when I didn’t, clarifying there’s always a warning before destruction!
Fast forwarding to 2013 my best friend who knew exactly how everything went down and was the only one that showed up at my trail to take the stand on my behalf was shot and killed two days before my birthday. He had just gotten out of prison a couple months prior. We hustled together and planned on doing music to make it in the rap game. Hearing the news fried me because he always had my back and now he’s going R.I.P.! The rest of my so-called friends were nowhere to be found and haven’t reached out to me since. Yes, I was feeling some type of way about not hearing from the ones I saw and chopped it up with on a day to day basis before my fall. I also know a lot of others really didn’t know what happened to me at all, even though my face was on the news and a clipping was in the newspaper. No excuse not to check on me, but I can’t be mad at anybody but myself.
In a conversation with a fellow inmate who’s been gone 20+ told me…”Things happen for a reason. It’s when you’re down when you’ll see who’s really down with you. Some people are in your life for a season and some for a lifetime. Maybe the ones that aren’t around have served their purpose in your life to show you some things. At the end of the day when there’s no one else, there’s God waiting for you to call Him!” I wasn’t trying to hear it at first, but what he said hit home and made a lot of sense when I began to think about it. He’d been gone way longer than the lil 4 years I had in there at the time saying, “Dang” to myself not seeing me being gone as long as he was. This man had lost his friends and family since he’s been gone as well. I felt sad for him after hearing his story and how long he’d been gone feeling like he should be home already after 20 years and he was at 23 flat on a life sentence under the old law.
Dying in, or losing loved ones in prison is something I dread and hate to see anyone go through, but I’ve unfortunately seen it a lot of times since I’ve been down here. He told me he once contemplated suicide and the only reason he’s making it and still sane after losing everything is God! It’s no coincidence that we’ve met and I do believe our conversation was meant for me to reflect on and stay strong in my situation.
It took me years before I really started to seek God in prison. For a while I was in and out of trouble, going through the motions before I understood the need to and I was close to my breaking point. Honestly, it wasn’t until 2019 when I felt God’s Love and His Presence at Kairos, letting me know I’m not alone or forgotten about and that there are people who don’t even know me that care. Shout out to all prison ministries and volunteers! I salute them because they are soldiers for God. They could be anywhere else, but choose to come to prison to help and encourage inmates. They’ve been very helpful during this journey of mine, but just when I was coming around the mountain in 2020 came covid, hitting the world and myself with some hard blows that I still feel to this day.
To start the year 2020 off, we lost Kobe Bryant and his daughter GiGi along with other passengers in a helicopter crash, R.I.P.! If that wasn’t devastating and heart breaking, I don’t know what is. Even I shed a tear at that news and don’t even know them. Then covid began to slowly, but surely shut everything down and had everybody in a frenzy, panicking which caused separation from family for a long-time. We couldn’t have visits anymore, no outside rec, no weights, no chess, no dominoes, no nothing! Not being able to see my family was stressful and very frustrating for me. They were all I had coming to see me and those visits always fueled me, helping me to keep pushing in here because I’d be on E most of the time. 2020 ends and the beginning of 2021, the mother of my son passed away, crushing me because here I am in prison with a life sentence and been gone since my son was two-years old and now his mother is gone! Unable to see my son and family because of covid, I felt helpless, like a failure to my son for not being there and what started as a lil escape here and there smoking turned into a full-fledged habit that I couldn’t stop. I wasn’t even eating anymore because all of my money and food went to smoking to calm my nerves, escape and numb the pain thinking about my son. Stressing and smoking heavily, I went from nice built, cut up and well kept to scrawny and hully-gully with-in months. I was killing myself with a K2 addiction and not eating. I just didn’t know what to do at the time and it was taking a lot out of me.
Tired of hearing, man you lost a lot of weight from people and looking in the mirror seeing what I was doing to myself, I tried to ease up and get myself back together. Then a few months shortly after my son’s mother passed, my Aunt passed! She was always soft-spoken, with a humble spirit that loved the Lord and played a big part of keeping family together. My heart was broken feeling like I couldn’t take another death of a family member in prison. The lil attempt to ease up went right out the window. I wanted to stop but couldn’t. It was the day of her funeral, while I was in the middle of church service I began to cry my heart out to God for help cause I know I wasn’t gonna be able to stop without Him. Very concerned about what was going on with me a few inmates that I’ve gotten to know over the years and became good friends with came to comfort me. While I was laid-out face flat on the floor crying to God for help, they got down laying hands on me and began praying for me. There was nothing else I could do and God was my only option before I killed myself by smoking my life away. What was crazy about that is I’ve seen a few good people die in here and I myself was sent to the hospital once because of K2 and I wasn’t stopping. I had a high tab that would take me a while to pay off because I’d pay and run it back up! I was known to always handle my business, so I never had a problem and got what I wanted, when I wanted it.
But an inmate friend of mine came and recommended that me, him and the chaplain have a sit to discuss my issues confidentially and the chaplain agreed calling me down to speak with him. Entering the room, I sat down and the chaplain said son, I need you to tell me what’s going on and put it all out there because if you’re not serious this is not going to work! So I told him everything I was going through. Then each of us prayed about it one at a time and as the Chap was praying, I began to hiccup for some reason and didn’t stop until we were finished praying. Can’t lie, I was feeling something inside. Afterwards I hugged my friend and the Chap thanking them both. Still feeling down though, I even smoked when I got back to the dorm with a smoke buddy. But I had my friends from church who stayed across from me on the lines in their cell flashing their night lights at a certain time to let me know they were praying for me and they even put in together a bag of groceries for me to eat with a letter inside. I smoked the first day and the second day after, but on that third day, the desire to smoke was completely gone! I myself can testify to this on prayer and the power of God working on me along with many others. He heard my call for help and answered. To God be the Glory!
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